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Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera have reached agreements with their respective record companies and HBO's pay-per-view division for a scheduled fight set for December 11th, where the two girls will wrestle eachother in a vat of Jell-O and wearing bikinis, at the MGM Grande in Las Vegas.

Actually I'm kidding, but that's how ridiculous the whole celebrity popstar feuds have become. First Britney signed a contract to promote Pepsi-Cola, and not long after, in a bid to one-up her, (as if that was possible) Christina signed on with Coca-Cola. Then months after denying rumours that she (Britney) had breast implants, Christina proudly announced and flaunted to the world her new silicone twins. And long after her sexy, steamy "Slave 4 U" video came out, Christina makes a comeback with the video "Dirrty", which besides being a blatant cinematic and thematic ripoff of "Slave", features Christina (who at times looks like a chiuaua in drag), in a thong and slapping her boney little ass while fondling joysticks and sucking on water bottle spouts. The sexual innuendos are as predictable as they are boring.

Then Christina Aguilera poses nude for the cover of this months "Rolling Stone", and disrespected Britney by saying she wished she'd take a longer break. It's almost as if Coke and Pepsi, in an attempt to reflect the animosity they have for eachother in their sponsors, are paying the girls to be bitter rivals.

If the way in which these two girls defended themselves wasn't so sad it would almost be laughable. Britney, who like Oscar de la Hoya comes across as something between a bad actor and a good politician, is smarter than she looks or is given credit for. But her safe, cookie-cutter appearances on Rosie O'Donell, Jay Leno, and David Letterman perpetuate the dumb blonde image she is trying (obviously not too hard) to avoid. And then she wants us to take her seriously. Christina Aguilera, on the other hand, is more than happy to play the slut to Shakesspeareian heights, and then tries to convince us she's the fuckin' Dali Llama in interviews.

Both of these girls use the same stale old arguements to defend their actions or inactions. "A guy can take his shirt off but when a girl shows her midriff, she's labeled a slut- that's a double-standard". "If you don't like me, don't look at me." "Pepsi approached me, and it just happened to coincide with my upcoming tour. It's not like it was planned out".

Yeah right. Good one, Britney. If you believe that I got some swampland I'd like to show ya. What is this the neo-women's lib movement? I like Britney because she's hot and her music's cool, not because I want her to be Nelly Mclung.

Doesn't anyone see the homogeneous state of the marketing of music? Britney Spears dances in a Pepsi commercial wearing a tight, white top with a yellow bra underneath (I'm so sure that was not done on purpose) an sings at the end, "for those who think young". This is directed either to people who want to be cool, or pedophiles, I'm not sure. But the formulaic relationships between pop stars and corporations are as transparent as the press conferences and interviews done to promote them. It's not the cross-marketing that I have a problem with, it's when the shit starts seeping into the music business, and everyone starts doing the same thing because that's what they think is going to make them money.

Make no mistake, The Britneys and Christinas are dancing on a corporate stage to a capitalist tune, and when their time's up, the corporate giants will always find a new puppet's ass to stick their fists into.

© 2002 Aaron Bayley